Two Time All Star pitcher Bobby Jenks found himself in some DUI trouble early this morning, following a muscle relaxer fueled night at a strip club.
Police observed Jenks driving his white Mercedes SUV at a dangerous rate of speed around a turn, and then weaving between three lanes of traffic. It then slowed down and drove up onto a curb where it continued until another turn. They then pulled him over.
The officer asked why he pulled him over, and Jenks replied, "Probably because I was all over the road back there." The officer asked him why he was all over the road, and he told him that he had taken too many muscle relaxers. The officer then recorded that Jenks was "shaking uncontrollably" and had a difficult time speaking. The officer asked him if he had taken anything other than muscle relaxers and he bluntly replied, "I'm going to be honest with you, I was just leaving Babes because I hit a car. I just had to get out of there." They then noticed a small amount of damage on the bumper of the vehicle.
Another officer noticed many signs of impairment and asked him to take some field sobriety tests. While walking to the testing area he probably killed any chance of passing the tests by saying, "I'm going to fail it." While failing the exams like he promised he stated, "I can't do this." When asked why he said, "I'm messed up."
After going back to Babes, the strip club, the located the vehicle that was hit. The driver gave a discription of Jenks and stated after hitting the vehicle they offered to call him a cab, and Jenks left.
Then comes the good part. After blowing .000 and .000 on his BAC tests, the police report states this.
[Redacted Statement] At the completion of my paperwork Jenks was unable to produce a urine sample. [Redacted Statement] I did not deem him a refusal because he was trying to produce a urine sample the entire time.
C'mon Lee County Sheriff's office, let the world know why Jenks' dick doesn't work.
He was ultimately charged with two counts of DUI and Property Damage, one count DUI Alcohol or Drugs,one count of DUI and Property Damage, and one count of Leaving the Scene of a Crash Involving Damage to Property.